Check out the mind blowing new comic Warlord of Io! And don't miss the exciting Youtube videos. There's an interview with the author up at the Newsarama site. Be sure to check out the Facebook page for updates and info.
Need an extra reason to go to the fridge? You've got one with Fridge Chess, the innovation of the century, and a logical extension of button mania. Only available at conventions attended by James Turner.
I've established a film company, Flipbook Pictures, to develop feature properties using the incredible revenues we're now earning, thanks to the business savvy of my brilliant nephew. Our first feature, a daring and uncompromising film by the great artiste Juame has just been completed. I've decided put up an excerpt (see below) in order to whet the world's appetite for our distinctive oeuvre. Titled Forever Approaching Midnight, it delves into the pointlessness not only of existence, but of waiting for their to be a point to existence. It's so deep it doesn't even need sex and violence, and you know how I feel about the power of that combo! Over 96 hours long, this film can be difficult to watch, but it has the most surprising twist ending ever seen in cinema. Keep watching!
Just a few quick peaks at our new properties, including the adventures of an evil genius whose brain power is now so great he can no longer walk on his own. Eventually this disability leads to him reevaluating his life and forming a friendship with a homeless child. Be sure to pick up Gyrobrain!
We've also got the revolutionary series Catsuit Woman. Tricked into serving an evil organization bent on world domination, she was given enhanced combat abilities by their chief scientist, the insidious Dr. Schtopper. After being betrayed and sold out to a rival, she reformed. Now she fights to destory all the secret, evil organizations that plague our world, including D.E.A.T.H., Thool, Serpent, SCUM, VILE, Global Domination, Oppression Inc, Conjunction Function, Conquest Outlets, International Hate, The Born Bad Bureuacracy, Discount Discord, Illuminated Evil, The Evil Elite, The Uber Evil Elite, Shadow Conspiracy, The Hexagonal Chamber, Dark Flame of Doom, The Doomsday Society, The Control Freak Confederacy, The Original Doomsday Society, and Totalitarian Taco. She throws explosives and uses a gun. Totally original.
Created by B. Barry Horst and only available in Serbia, Syldavia, and Macedonia at this time. We're still working out distribution rights for North America. Once again, I have my nephew to thank for getting this series off the ground and finding the writers and artists. One of these days, I even hope to see some copies of these magnificient series.
There's a car parked down the street from our offices which has two men in it wearing cheap black suits and sunglasses. Grim, humourless looking fellows: unquestionably the nefarious men in black conspiracy theorists have been warning us about for years.
My nephew is especially disturbed by their presence, and he knows about these things: he lived in California for three years.
Has Hermeneutic Press attracted the hideous powers behind the terrible powers-that-be with our revelatory tales of librarians, aliens and dark threats from beyond space?
I think, my dear Hermenauts, that it is time to make contingency plans! Cuba is lovely this time of year...
We've still got cash to burn, even with the movie project mentioned below on the go. So we're taking a great big leap and entering into the fast paced world of video games! I don't know anything about the industry, true believers, but my nephew does, and he assures me that Fetus Bounce is a winner. As he told me, it's better than pong because it doesn't require an opponent. Who understands kids these days?
No matter! After just a half million in development costs we have a working prototype! Isn't that incredible? It even looks better than pong!
Feel free to play around with it; next year, it will be taking the entire world by storm!
You can even grab the little fella, but be careful, he sometimes gets stuck on the mouse.
We still have another million to throw at the project.
We're flush with cash and selling fast and furiously in Djzerenia (I don't even know where that is)! We've finally got the resources to fund a major feature film version of our hot selling comic book potato, Agent Cheshire and the Cosmic Broccoli. It's gritty, realistic World War II drama the likes of which you've never seen it before. The addition of an invisible man (save for his smile) and a piece of Cosmic powered Broccoli just makes it more real. Don't believe it?
We've got screenshots of the film adaptation here to prove it! Behold:
Here Broccoli and Cheshire enter the fortress of the villain, the notorious Bleach Skull
Here Bleach Skull, informed of the presence of his most dangerous enemies, orders his men to attack.
The Germans open fire on Cheshire and Broccoli, but their fire is ineffective!
Frustrated, the Germans charge, attempting to rend Broccoli to bits with their bare hands!
Broccoli perseveres and defeats his Axis enemies.
As you can see, it's adventure right out of the history books! Don't miss it!
In addition to all the fabulous new properties my nephew has brought in to Hermeneutic Press, we are now in the process of pitching a major entertainment corporation in an effort to secure a high profile property for the comic book medium.
We're updating for it modern age.
We're making it grittier. Darker. And we're adding lots of cigarettes and booze! That's what this show always needed.
I can't tell you the name of it though. That's a secret.
I have a treat for you today, my dear Hermenauts! Here's a picture from the old, unauthorized JC comic book adaptation of Rex Libris from the 1950s. His secret story was leaked by Douglas Reckman, an orthodontist from Richmond, Virginia, who once paid a twenty dollar fine for returning his library books late. He showed a stack of material (stolen from Middleton Library) to Arnold Pitz, owner of JC. Arnold leapt at the incredible story and was entirely unaware it was true. Poor old Arnie never had enough imagination for reality!
The two issue run is highly sought after by collectors such as myself, as they were all illustrated by Iambert Czej, the famous Czech illustrator. I have three! Unfortunately, these were done after Czej had a brain injury and developed a severe drooling problem. They are of lower quality than his earlier work, and almost look like they were done by someone who hasn't done ink work in some time.
Nevermind. It's not what they look like that counts.
It's the signature!
I'm delighted to announce that the graphic novel adaptation of my best selling character drama, Hieronymous Snogg and the Sex Vixen Factory of the Post-Apocalypse is being adapted as a graphic novel. It's being illustrated by none other than Victor Bezier, that talented virtuoso you've heard so much about... in many other Hermeneutic publications.
The shot above is of the central sex-vixen from the series. Note her specially designed, 8 inch heel combat boots. In the 29th century, everyone will wear them.
It's a sure fire hit. How do you know that, Barry? Well, let me tell you something: if there's one thing I know about comic books, it's that sex and violence sell, and when you add big guns, big mutants, and even bigger breasts, you've got a blockbuster on your hands that could level a city! Be sure to pick up a copy when it hits the shelves, my fellow Hermenauts! This one has everything: philosophy, science, violence, and a touching, nuanced portrayal of people pushed to the brink of sanity by circumstances beyond all imagining! And there are giant land squid!
Check out the exciting first chapter of the book in the back of issue 9 of Rex Libris!
The latest and greatest issue of the sizzling red hot series Rex Libris is about to hit the shelves across North America! Don't miss out on the excitement, or risk your chance of getting a copy: get in line tonight and camp over night! That will obviate the need for fist fights at the counter on Wednesday, August 20th. Copies are limited, and only the bravest and boldest will be able to secure them. The excitement is palpable, my dear Hermeneutinauts: feel it in all its glorious palpiness!
And independent power house Hermeneutic Press will be there! It runs from August 22nd to August 24th at the Metro Convention Centre in Toronto, that beloved jewel of the Northlands. Come stay in an igloo and join in on the excitement! All our artists will be present in one form or another, for the first time in Hermeneutic history! This is an event that will be remembered for days to come!
We've decided to hold our first Hermeneutic Press Comic Book Contest! That's right! The first person who writes in and tells me the name of my assistant wins one million dollars! That's right: ONE... MILLION... DOLLARS!
Only we're going to run the contest the BBC way and just make up the winners. That way we don't have to actually give out any prizes. I love it! God bless the Beeb, they've got the best ideas!
The imaginary winners trick is just as great for small, independent publishers as it is for corporate behemoths. Just don't let it dissuade you from entering the contest. It's about having fun, not winning. That's just the kind of values the Beeb tries to instill in people.
Sadly, some objected to the Beeb's innovative means of determining winnners, and as a result their staff have been instructed that using imaginary winners to avoid paying out is wrong. And so progress is set back once more by those lacking true marketing vision.
When I first saw Raiders of the Lost Arc, I clamored for a sequel. When I saw the second film, I was interestted in a third. When I saw the third, I was indifferent to there being a fourth. When I saw the fourth, I prayed they wouldn't make a fifth.
The law of diminishing returns, my dear Hermenauts! Sometimes you can't get better than perfection, and the first Indiana Jones movie is as close to action-adventure perfection as any mortal is likely to get. Almost thirty years later and nothing else has matched it. Certainly not the sequels, which have steadily declined in quality as they have increased in vacuity. The Crystal Skull was a hollow, spiritless shell, devoid of the magic, drive, and energy of the first film, the horror of the second, or even the silliness of the third. I may not be able to create a better film, but by bloviation, I can imagine it!
Let this be a lesson to all who clamor for sequels: some things are better left in the imagination.
Which is the perfect segue for a new Hermeneutic venture: Imaginapress!
That's right: imaginary comics that we don't describe, create, or market. You do all that!
All we ask is to be paid for the non-existent cost of producing these works and paying the amazing imaginary artists you come up with. Perhaps you'd like to see a comic printed on gold foil and drawn by Leonardo da Vinci. Done! Just let us know the parameters of what you'd like and we'll send you the bill. Once we receive and cash your cheque, the rest is up to you: imagine it!
It's that simple.
This will open up the comic book field like nothing ever before. In fact, some of you might like to imagine moving pictures in your comic books, or sound effects, or an immersive 3-D virtual experience with tactile interaction. While this kind of technical innovation is not possible with real comics, Imaginapress has no limits. Forget the sky. Forget the moon. You can go to the other side of the universe and back with Imaginapress!
Be sure to attend our imaginary opening in the Guggenheim in NYC in August, where two dozen of the best people you can imagine will be launching the new line, including yours truly: B. Barry Horst!
Innovate! Adapt or die! That's right, Hermenauts: the order of the day is evolution!
The comic book industry today is in a state of flux, and independent, boutique publishers like Heremenutic Press have endured an especially bumpy ride. True, the big publishers can continue to plow along, buoyed by their flagship titles. Everything else flows in the wake of the mega−money earners. But things are different for us. Printing costs are high. Sales of floppies have declined. The direct market is limited. Floppies have a limited shelf life and generally aren't stocked in bookstores.
Graphic novels is where it's at.
They have a longer shelf life, can be sold in far more locations, and they are much more effective as paperweights. Why should I pay good money for a paperweight if I can just use a handy graphic novel? You can't do that with comic books. Especially not ones you've bagged. The plastic has no traction, so the pile is continually falling over and making a mess. One copy of Blankets and I can hold down all my loose papers. It's a no−brainer.
So what does this all mean for you, our dear, beloved reader?
It means a better, brighter future with greater choice than ever before. Ideas will be floated on the internet. The creme will rise to the top. It'll be collected and then published by companies with principles and vision and a big bank account. Or a credit rating. Companies like Hermeneutic Press. We'll take the best of the best and distribute these works around the world, to the finest comic shops and the best book stores. Hell, we'll even ensure our books get to the really shitty book stores. They are out there. No one ever talks about them. The dives. The old, tiny, musty ones with books stacked in alphabetized towers that could collapse and crush you at any moment. Why? Because we want our products in the hands of the largest number of people possible, and if that means being stocked in a really crappy bookstore that's mouldy and drafty and staffed by ancient, nose picking hermits who don't bathe, so be it. That's our commitment to you, our readers.
Because you shouldn't suffer because your local bookstore sucks. It is not your crime. We will not punish you for your geographical affiliation. And even then, do not ancient nose picking hermits deserve to distribute books? As a wise man once noted, even Moses picked. Distribute freely, I say! Read! Learn! Spend! Buy! And when you do, make it Hermeneutic! Use the Hermeneutic approach!
Be sure to join us here at the Hermeneutic website, where in the near future we will be introducing astonishing new talents and art work for the ages. All of it online. For now.
The best is yet to come, Hermenauts. Believe it!
Today when I got up, I felt like shaking things up a little. There would be no porcelain bowl of bran for me this day, my dear Hermenauts!
Oh no! Not May 31st, 2008! Today would be a day of glorious new beginnings, for I resolved to have toast, and cast cereal aside! Forget bran. Forget it! Bran is boring! Cereal gets soggy. Toast is where it's at.
Toast maintains its crispiness indefinitely. It can be reheated, too. Just try to redry cereal. It doesn't come out the same. It becomes paste. Mush. Form is lost entirely.
It is done. I put jam on it, and it was good.
Welcome to the first publication of Hermeneutic Press. Rejoice! Yes, rejoice! Why you ask? Because! This is quite possibly the greatest event in the modern history of comics. Never before has Hermeneutic Press published! This is it! The very first time! In all six thousand years of recorded history! Incredible, you say? Believe it! Not only that, but the molecules in the material you hold in your hands comes to you from the inside of a long dead star! What's that you say? Impossible? No! Not for us at Hermeneutic Press! Only the best will do for our readers, and we'll go to the far corners of the universe to bring the best to you!
Now. Let's get something straight, right from the get go: we're in this for the money. That's the bottom line. Instead of investing our hard earned money in fickle things like stocks, real estate, Nortel or Enron, we've invested our nest egg in the economic miracle niche of comic books, where vast fortunes await us. Indeed, few fields are so ridiculously prosperous as that of independent comic books. Just create a confection of fun frivolity mixed with high octane action, and top it off with an ever−so−light dusting of hyperbole and voila, a new multi−million dollar comic franchise is born into this, the Ironic Age of Comics! We just have to sit back and wait for the movie offers to pour in from the studios. The first franchise I think we'll let go for a few million. The commercial tie−ins is where the money is really at. Action figures. Cups. Hats. Key chains. Lamps. Motor oil. We'll push the envelope of commercial exploitation til it bursts like the condoms we're going to endorse. And it doesn't end there! Theme parks will follow, and, eventually, we'll buy a small, remote island from which to plot complete world domination. And we'll owe it all to you, our dear readers, and the magical medium of Visicomboics!
You heard me right.
Because here at Hermeneutic Press we don't publish just comics. Plain old comics, as the rabbit might say, are for kids. We publish the phenomenal Deluxe Visicomboics™. We will offer a PHD program in Visicomboicology™ as soon as the B. Barry Horst Wing is added to the University of Wisconsin. Anytime now. Check your watches. Ah! It's time for me to take my medication.
© James Turner 2008